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| sometimes i wish i could revert to my childhood....no. .. not sometimes.... quite often actually.
i wish i could go back and figure out what made me who i am today.... what triggered certain personality traits.... what caused me to be so anxious about some things and so forgetful about others...what made me so vulnerable to little things, and so heartless about the big things...
its good to know you have people who love you, but its hard to understand why or how.
i want to know at what point i switched over.... when i stopped wanting love, when i gave up on it, because now that i have it i can't except it... i am incapable of embracing the most amazing person i have ever known because i'm afraid i won't live up to him.... that i'll always be blundering away and making mistakes that no deserving girl would.... and i'll forever be the girl that everyone wonders why he chose.... and i am included in that.... i have no earthly idea why he chose me... and i feel like i am the last person to deserve this....... and it has poisened me to the core.... knowing who i have been and who i am and knowing that i am still loved.... and i can't turn it around...i can't make it stop.... no matter how hard i try to fuck things up so it will be easier for me, it just doesn't end..... there is no end. and i want it to, but i don't. and all the while i'm thinking to myself... you pathetic, selfish little girl.... stop thinking about yourself and just do it for him.... just accept that life gives you gifts you don't deserve and take them.... but it's an incessant pushing away and clinging to process that i can't stop because i can never make up my mind which would be the lesser of the two.... which would be easier? A.) knowing you're with someone who loves you, despite all your faults, or B.) being alone, but knowing that you saved them from a lifetime of turmoil they didn't deserve.
and i wish..... i just wish i could figure out what got me here. how did i get from there to here and why is my world caving in when i should be the happiest i've ever been.
i wish i could figure this out so i can find the root of my problems and just finally
give in.
i'm tired of being in constant turmoil.
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| Ladies and Gents....
The time has come. Sooz has reached the point of boredom where she is actually going to post on Xanga.
Hold your applause, please.
Here is an update on my ever so boring life:
I am living in shawnee for the summer... something i have come to realize affects my mood dramatically. (notice the use of the word "dramatically"). I find that living in this desolate little town with a scarcity of friends has a negative outcome on my personality, and (right now i am inserting my apology to all those who have come into contact with me and have suffered these results.)
This could also be due to the fact that i am living my days working at Sonic-- America's best drive in, folks. Here i spend about 6 hours a day waiting on people in 90+ degree weather who are often so wasted away from crack cocaine (or any other substance, take your pick) that they order their three cute little kids who are crammed in the back seat of their paint peeling coupe three small dr peppers with pickle slices in them.
But don't leave yet. i will stray from my complaining.
This is what i have been filling my time with: watching movies and trying to be a somewhat rational, less-hormonal, happy girlfriend to Nathan Hollis. (whom, without, i would literally have gone insane)
This, as i have found out, makes life a little jollier.
So here are the movies i have most recently watched:
-Boondock Saints
-Triplets of Belleville (which you should see if you have not...its marvelous)
-Everything is Illuminated (ditto. superb. on my favorites list.)
-Fun with Dick and Jane
-X Men III
-V for Vendetta
-From Hell
-Mission Impssible I
-Mission Impossible III (no comment)
-Rushmore (BRAVO!)
-The Jacket
-About Schmidt (to which i actually blubbered like a baby to all alone on a saturday night...very touching movie.)
And for the sake of making sooz a little less lonely, leave me a comment, yell at me, tell me im scum of the earth... anything, just give me some attention.
thats all folks.
goodnight
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| people who write really long xanga entries annoy me.
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| today i met jude law.
yes.
i touched him and spoke to him.
who is jealous? | | |
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